Riding the Bus

by Jase

We said our farewells at the terminal.  It seemed like the tenth time we’d been there in the past week, except this time it was different, this time we were the ones leaving.  Christmas vacation was here and we were heading off for a wonderful relaxing two weeks touring Mendoza, Argentina and different parts of Chile.  Of course it was exciting but there was sadness.  This would be the last time all of us, the group that had hung out practically everyday for the past three months would be together until next year.  Perhaps the saddest part was how this farewell was a foreshadowing of the end of our time in Argentina.  In May we will go to that bus terminal once again, except this time it will be an unsure good-bye; unable to know when we will see each other again.

And even still, maybe it is more than all that for me.  It could be the months of loneliness and quiet depression creeping up on me.  Yes, I have friends, yes I am surrounded constantly.  Still there is something missing, something I use to so nonchalantly accept as a constant in my life.  Even more, it could be because I was finally distracting myself from that empty feeling.  Of course it didn’t replace anything and of course it was far from perfect.  However, it made my heart beat faster, lighter for the past while.

So we’re on the bus and I can’t stop thinking about something.  I see all of it play before my eyes.  But just stop thinking about it Jason.  Watch the movie or something.  I see the dimness of the barely moonlit room.  I can breath it all in.  Just watch the movie Jason.  Chronicles of Narnia, I can do this.  Prince Caspian looks too familiar right about now.  There is heavy breathing, quiet but heavy.  And there are those spasm movements afterward.  Calm down Jason, just calm down.

Somewhere out there, there is a bed with messed up sheets and disheveled blankets.  I’ll go back to it, sleep in it.  I took a shower and washed it all off of me.  Those bed cloths will be removed, washed, and replaced.  I stared there, mentally in that general direction.  My mind keeps going back to that shrouded darkness.

“Its me.”

Vacation is a needed distraction these days.  I’m ready for the break from the routine.  I’ll try to distract myself from it all for now.  It’s probably all going to blow over anyhow.  For sure it’s not going to turn out the way I want it.  How I would like to have that constant again, but I guess somethings just will happen in time.  Perhaps it will be better than I imagined when it finally comes around.  Or then again, maybe this is as good as it gets.  I guess I can be satisfied, but I do so hate to settle.

Relax.

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