The past few months have been dotted with binges of depression, waking up after long nights, and pathetic moments of throwing myself in the wrong direction. Mornings would wake me with confusion.
And I don’t want to say that that is all over. I don’t know.
This is how I’m happy.
I drive across the Serengetti and listen to Lady Gaga while zebras and gazelles race in front of my speeding land cruiser. Streams of god-rays flow down from the purple gray clouds. All the world is lit like a Zack Snyder film.
I sit on the top of a mountain and look out over the foggy mountains surrounding me. There is not much around me. Its just world in every direction and I am on top of it.
I am very close to the bottom of the world, closer than most people would ever dream of getting. Right in front of me is the very end of civilization on this planet.
I am in this forest. All of the trees are surprisingly even spaced. There is pine needles covering the ground, a fire off to the side, the sound of a stream not to far below, and the rustle of my tent all around me. Above the swaying trees is the sun.
I am in an overly crowded car. The stars are out in full and the moon is high. Bass is pounding in our souls as we drive through the deserted streets. In front of us the beach is approaching.
I am lying in the stillness. There is gentle breathing so close. I can feel the steady pulsing of a heart, not my heart. I fall asleep. I wake up.
Lately I feel more like all of this every day.