by Jason

The truth is that I am still really angry.  Every time I talk to you I feel bitterness, irritation, and frustration rise up inside of me.  None of it is really alright and I am trying to make it all fine.  I am trying to pretend as if there is nothing wrong.  Really there isn’t anything else I can do.  People don’t want to listen to my bitter rants.  They don’t want to hear about the way I feel.  That is just the way things are.

Of course I can’t talk to you.  That would just make things worse.

I am realizing that you were never as great as I thought you were.  Maybe it was all just my overactive imagination, though I really believe my biggest mistake was trusting.  I trusted that all the beautiful things you said were actually true.  I allowed myself to trust even though my intuition told me not to.  So in the end, it is still mostly my own stupid mistake.  My idealism just pushes me to believe in things that are too good to be true.

Honestly, I have never been more misguided or more hurt before.  It sounds cruel for me to say that but I am being honest.  Despite of that fact, for a little while, I felt more loved and more perfect than I have ever felt before.  That is the worst part of all of it; having everything and losing it.  Is it so wrong that I desperately want that back?  Is it so stupid that I want it back even after everything?

I’m not alright.  But I’m a good actor.

I know eventually I will be fine but right now I’m still stuck on knowing that things could have been fine right now.  Right now I am bitter even though I am trying not to be.