The Great Controversy
I use to believe in Jesus. He was like my secret lover with who I rendezvoused late in the evenings and early morning hours. It was in a sense a profound secret even when it was known, but he was my savior and it was beautiful.
One day Jesus left me. No longer was he there in the evenings or the early morning hours. I struggled to reach out to him but my communication was often ignored. My faith grew weak and I had difficulty believing any longer. I felt abandoned, neglected, and alone. Then as my hope began to blossom, as my belief somehow found new footing, Jesus told me he was no longer my savior, he would no longer be there for me.
My world crashed down around me. Everything that I had trusted and put my faith in was taken from me. I had no direction, I was purposeless and empty.
The emptiness allowed Satan to creep slowly into my life. It was so subtle that I didn’t understand what was happening but then one drunken evening I gave him full control. I took him for a lover and gave him my whole heart. Finally I felt whole again, finally I felt as if the world was beautiful.
Yet as quickly as Satan entered my life, he left me. He abandoned me, destroying the pieces that were left of my heart. Truly, I became nothing, only a discarded mess of what I had been before. My faith in everything was gone, my will to live had evaporated.
But humans must always find something to live for and so I remembered Jesus. I remembered how wonderful I had felt when we were intimate. I remembered how he use to tell me he loved me. So despite all rationality, I put my faith in Jesus, in something that wasn’t real anymore.
From time to time Jesus would respond to my pleas for attention but months passed and I had little to hold onto besides my desperate nonsensical belief that someday he would return. Someday perhaps he would return and save me once again.
And thus one day he did return. He wasn’t the same savior that he had been before but occasionally he would still rendezvous with me and I would feel like the world was perfect at least for a moment. There was no promise of continuity and my belief began to shift. Most of my faith was reliant on the past, locked upon the memories I cherished firmly in my heart. Jesus promised me nothing anymore, only that he would soon be leaving again. So I held onto the moments of peace I had and wondered apprehensively about the future.
Satan had returned too, though. I did not allow myself to associate with him and he kept his distance. Somehow, I had found the strength to forgive the great pain he had caused me. Still, I had no desire to be close with him.
Jesus was leaving soon, very soon. I said my good-byes and I felt blank yet strangely at peace.
Everything changed. Everything changes.
Jesus was leaving. Satan was taunting me. Why was he taunting me? Why would he not just answer me? Why the fuck would he not just answer me?
He told me.
Jesus had taken Satan for a lover, one last present before he left my soul forever.
All the love in me drained away. My soul was dying. My heart was empty. My life was devoid of all meaning.
Everything I believed in had betrayed me and I realized that I had been foolish to put my faith in things that were not real.
Jesus had become Satan. Two demons were all that was left.
Oh, God, oh God, oh God, wherefore art thou now?